Keeping Me Alive
by XOXOSG
Summary: Currently a one-shot during those months we don't get to see in New Moon after Edward leaves. Bella is having a hard time forgetting because she keeps remembering moments between her and Edward from the months they have spent together.
1. Chapter 1

Synopsis: Currently a one-shot during those months we don't get to see in New Moon after Edward leaves. Bella is having a hard time forgetting because she keeps remembering moments between her and Edward from the months they have spent together.

**Author's Note:** **Please if you like this story review and tell me if you want to see more I've wanted to write an Edward/Bella fic for a while now. I'm not sure if I want to just do this short one shot and a story separate from this, or if I just want to add random one shots to this one that just don't really connect, but like little moments between them. I would like to hear your opinion, for now I hope you like this! Thanks for reading!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

_Bella POV_

In my misery I remembered things about him. The more I tried to repress the memory of him, the more I remembered him. It didn't matter what I did, the thoughts just kept returning. I was a fool to believe that all of this was good for me, a learning experience. But it was just depressing, absolutely depressing. I knew it was because he didn't want me hurt; he didn't want me in harm's way. But this hurts, no it doesn't just hurt, it's agonizing. Everyone says he must have left because he didn't love me; they whisper it and think I can't hear, but I can, it's mostly Charlie when he's on the phone with a neighbor or Billy. But he wanted me to think it was because he doesn't love me, and it sure feels that way but I know it's because he loves me that he left. It's just so hard to believe though; the thought of never seeing him just isn't something that I liked to think about. Fathoming it would make it seem real. In some ways it seems like he'll be waiting outside my window when I look up. Other times if feels like a brick on my chest when I think that he's never coming back. Thinking that he left me to live a life without love, to grow old and miserable while his youthful appearance never changes and he finds someone to be his mate. Someone who is far less clumsy and more attractive than me with my translucent skin and average body shape and stature. As long as he was happy, as long as one of us was happy and content with the life they were living.

The memories come in flashes sometimes, other times they come in waves. Sometimes they're so overwhelming, they take over my dreams and I can barely tell what's really happened, and what hasn't. Today was particularly rough.

"One day, after you graduate, I'll take you on a tour of the world. Anywhere you want to go." It was a warm and sunny day, but it didn't matter because they were in the meadow the often visited, no one else knew of it and it was a perfect place for them, because Edward didn't have to hide his diamond skin.

"That's really unnecessary." I replied, as I lounged next to him while I played with a wildflower I picked absentmindedly. "It's too much money."

"Money isn't a problem Bella."

"Maybe after you turn me…"

"Bella. You have plenty of time to be turned. Don't rush it; you should enjoy some experiences as a human."

"Edward, this is the best I'm going to look. I don't want to be turned any later than I have to be. I don't want you to be seen with an old hag for the rest of eternity." Ever since prom this conversation was occurring more and more frequently. Always met with the same counterpoints.

"Come on isn't there at least one place you've always wanted to go?" He changed the subject, although I really wasn't surprised.

I thought for a while. "Mmmm maybe Paris? I've heard it's beautiful, especially at night."

"One day, we'll go to Paris. My beautiful Bella." He kissed my hand in the most charming and chivalrous way that only he could pull off in this day and age.

Instantly I was brought back into the moment. I can still feel his cool lips in the back of my hand, while cradled in his cold hand. It's the stinging, agonizing type of pain. Every word I remember hits me like a brick wall and I cringe at every work choice I made, I wish I hadn't remembered those things but my memory was better than I would like. Because repression didn't work, it just made it worse. I _was _his beautiful Bella. Now I was just Bella. Now I was just some stupid girl, in her room, wrapped in an afghan that I last shared with my ex-boyfriend, replaying moments with the one person I want to be with forever. Now I don't think there is anything left. There is nothing I can do, and I just feel like jumping off of a cliff. But there is a part of me that still wants to hang on. Just in case this is all a dream or just in case he decides to return. My chances are slim, but it's what's keeping me living, that single ounce of hope. I miss him.

**AN: Tell me if you want more and how you want it! Thanks! :) Review, review, review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Been awhile since an update, sorry to anyone if they were waiting. Probably not, this isn't that great but I enjoy writing it. I'm not limiting myself to one story line, so these are basically drabbles that are supplemental to the story. Things I wish I could have seen more of in the books/movies such as really depressed Bella and such. Thank you and please enjoy this super short section.**

Loneliness is something to be fearful of. Most fears stem from our innate fear of death and of the unknown. But I think loneliness is also innate. It's one of those things that you don't even notice or sometimes, but other times its suffocating and all over consuming. And the fact that an emotion can put you in so much physical pain is utterly overwhelming. The chills, the teeth chattering, the constant surges of tears, the screams, the aches, the nausea all so real. If you can manage to control and suppress them for a good nine hours of the day, you've done well, and it caves in all around you when you lie awake at night (or sometimes even when you're asleep) once again, alone. Damn it Edward.

I let out another scream of exhaustion and misery, being able to find no other way of expressing my discontent. Why was it so hard to keep it in and to myself? With the scream, tears fell over the brim of my eyelids, soaking my cheeks. I tried blinking them away but my eyelashes did nothing to alleviate the problem. I cried harder remembering the time I fell and slammed my head against the ground after tripping on a loose piece of gravel in the driveway.

"Ouch!" I yelped, not being able to control my tears of rage and pain from not being able to be a normal human being with the ability to even walk correctly.

"Are you alright Bella? How didn't I get to you in time."

"I don't know." I sniffled; I was super embarrassed to be crying over a bump of the head, but my adrenaline turned into anger and sometimes my anger manifested into teardrops.

"Are you okay, love?"

"Yeah I'm alright. Oh…oh my god I'm not bleeding am I?" I shrieked in fear that I might be causing him unnecessary pain.

"No, no you're not bleeding. But you hit the ground pretty hard. Are you sure you're alright? Maybe we should go see Carlisle, you could have a concussion." He rambled.

"Edward, no it's alright I'm fine." I said, eyes still flowing with anger.

"Alright, but you better not be lying." He said smirking and kissing my forehead. His minty breath coming closer to me, giving me chills all over. His lips felt perfect and comforting on my face as he dragged his thumb across my face wiping the remaining tears of annoyance with myself, I couldn't help but smile.

Another moan escaped my lips, followed by shaking and more tears I couldn't even try to control. He was so perfect and he was mine. But now he was gone, no intention of returning and it made me sick. I couldn't even escape the feelings or the vicious thoughts. I just wanted him back. My life was nothing without him.


End file.
